new year, old reflections

In the spirit of the new year, I’ve returned from my hiatus to share a piece I wrote recently but have been thinking about for a while now. I hope it can help you reconnect with hidden parts of yourself and also remind you to appreciate all you’ve done for yourself to get you to this moment. Happy 2019!

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hey you! *waves*  remember me? i know it’s been awhile so don’t worry, i’ll remember for the both of us. here take my hand.

oh your hands are clammy! haha it’s ok i don’t mind. i really don’t. we were close before, the kind of close where you don’t mind holding clammy hands, the kind of close where you sit together in silence inevitably and endlessly, comfortably.

how have you been? how are things? i miss...a lot of things. big and little. remember those times we used to look for ladybugs together in the field at school? the grass was so fluffy we made pillows out of it to rest our tender dreams, the ladybugs so many you only had to sit still and breathe quietly for a moment to find one crawling along your finger, so at home on your mysterious soft skin. it felt like a dream then. it still feels like a dream.

remember when we read together? we would sacrifice precious sleep (and height) for the satisfaction of finishing that last chapter, and then read a little bit more because it was never enough. we browsed the library like we were shopping for new toys and shiny snacks, plucking solid musty books off the shelves by their lovely creased spines. it was all we needed, the sweet and spicy adventure of meeting and traveling the world, through time, through different dimensions, all while our elbows started to cramp from lying on the floor in the same position for so long. we lived and breathed alongside those stories and carried them with us wherever we went.

do you recall those breezy summer days at your old house when we’d lie together on the trampoline, sweaty backs on the black polypropylene, listening to the whirring sound of the trees deep breathing and the sky sighing and the whole world humming quietly as it always has? we imagined we were protagonists in our own coming-of-age movie, dramatic beautiful heroines with an early 2000’s soundtrack to match. we were so powerful.

can you remember when our minds resided in quiet time and space? we would sit and stare off into the abundant horizon or lie down upon the coarse earth or even just stargaze in our own minds, tracing thought constellations old and new, day dreaming night dreaming, the sound of heartbeats echoing in the chambers of our unbounded mind.

are you starting to remember? we have the same smile you know, the same animated laugh that fills all of our best memories. i’ve been with you all along, even if you didn’t know it. and i don’t blame you for forgetting about me. life picked up, things got more complicated. i know, because I’ve watched you growing up this whole time, and you’re doing the best. more than i could have ever imagined for us when we were both young and wide ocean-eyed. now you’re all old and grown up, and i could not be prouder. you grew up for the both of us, and i love you for that. just promise me you won’t forget about me this time, okay? take me with you. hold my clammy hand, and you’ll feel our heartbeat, one and the same.